26th
momma says he’s ruined my destiny (but he sure has made a woman out of me)
i wish i cared. i wish i wasn’t so apathetic. i wish it mattered that we no longer matter shit to each other. but it doesn’t, and i don’t and i am.
it’s been a week now. laughable that a day apart used to hurt, and yet now it’s been seven of those days and i find myself shrugging my shoulders.
i’m not numb. at least i don’t think i am. but i was wrong about him so maybe i might be wrong about this. but still, i don’t think i am. i’m not happy but i wouldn’t say i’m miserable, either. acceptance is a powerful tool.
lunch next week with o; terrified that i’ll find myself running the same circles with him. terrified that i might actually want him back. terrified that when i do, he might finally want the same things. fucking terrified that as soon as i find a replacement for him, t will come strolling back into the picture. at his convenience, of course. even more fucking terrified that i just might, and probably will, drop everything to be with him. like a puppy. like a fucking doormat.
haven’t heard from b in a long while. not sure how i feel about that, because it is nice being adored. or at the very least, wanted. for whatever reason.
- c.
